words of affirmation
gifts
acts of service
quality time
physical touch
Estimated read time: 4 minutes
In 2018, Marion and Shannon hosted my bachelorette party with our college friends during the final week of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Decked out in body glitter and neon wigs, we marched down the parade route with pride and vigor. A woman approached me, recognizing a bachelorette party when she saw one. Clearly intoxicated and on a mission, she approached us and grabbed me by the shoulders, putting her face close to mine.
“You have to read the book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. Take it from someone who has been divorced twice and married three times to the same person. We finally can make it work now that we understand each other’s love languages. You have to read it,” she said - her face serious, her words slurring.
I hugged and thanked her, assuring her I would read it. She leaned in to kiss me, then changed her mind and sauntered off, hips swaying to the beat of the drum line.
I flew back to the Bay Area and read the book right away, fascinated by the categorical ways described of sending and receiving love. If you are unfamiliar, Chapman describes the five ways people give and receive love as: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. He elaborates that understanding your friend and partner’s love languages will strengthen your relationship and help your love grow stronger.
My top two are words of affirmation and quality time, for both sending and receiving love.
After I gave birth to Ollie, I was hit with the typical tidal wave of postpartum reality for several months. Infant Ollie was not interested in cuddling or sleeping, and to say I struggled would be an understatement. His favorite thing to do was look out the window in the back of a moving car, so drive we did. I paid $6/gallon for gas in our little remote town in East Maui, driving from Nahiku to Kipahulu and then back again, on repeat. He would finally fall asleep, and I would cry quietly from exhaustion while listening to The Mother by Brandi Carlile. Craig would get home from a long day at work and take Ollie on a drive to check the surf at various beaches and feel that ocean breeze they both loved so much, giving me a moment to catch my breath and check my work emails.
What I needed then was what I have always craved, but amplified. I wanted people to tell me I was doing a good job and to spend time with me. I needed someone to come over and hold Ollie while I took a long shower. I wanted a phone call from a friend telling me I was doing great, and that I would sleep again, someday soon. I would go to the Post Office and dread checking our PO box, often filled with the bright pink slips that indicated packages were waiting for me.
I realize my time as a new parent is not unique, and that my life was and is filled with good fortune and privilege. But boy did I need in-person support. Most days Craig and I were too sleep-deprived to make a salad, and the comfort and love we felt when my mom, Caroline, Marion, and my lovely in-laws visited in quick succession was truly sublime and unmatched.
Our community in Hana was wonderful and uplifting, but all our friends worked multiple jobs and/or had small children of their own. With Craig as my guidepost, we leaned on each other, but yearned for further support, longing for the words of affirmation that we were doing well as parents and the quality in-person time and support with friends and family we both so desperately needed.
I can now look in the rearview mirror, and recognize the love I was receiving through the portal of USPS with clear vision and a brain that has had ample sleep. I did have support and love, just not in the ways that I wanted it, but that’s the way of the love language, the way of our world today. People were giving and sending love the ways they knew how, in the ways that they could when most of our loved ones were so far away.
With age comes wisdom, and the ability to learn and pass on knowledge. Thanks to my experience, I am pursuing being a postpartum doula, I am a creator of meal trains for new parents nearby, and I am consistently amazed at the different ways love travels through the universe, through the telephone poles, through the sea.
As I write this, I can see a bird from our back window bringing twigs back to her nest. She’s building her home, stick by stick, and I think I’ll watch her for a while - admire her focus, and see where she might need some moss to patch up the little holes. Or maybe she already has someone looking out for her, helping with some sticks or with a song. You know what, I bet she does.
Made me cry, made me laugh, made me feel those sweeping motherhood feelings like a tsunami. Such a gem. You know and appreciate and so beautifully convey your lucky, love-filled life.
There is a flow of emotions here that is so honest and raw. Beautiful writing! We all need to give and receive love and there are many ways to do this. Thank you to the festive party-goer at Mardi Gras for sharing the importance of the Love Languages book.